Math Is Your Friend

This whole swine flu nonsense is nothing but an overblown, media-driven fear frenzy. To wit:

6.77 billion people live on this planet

The World Health Organization's latest update shows 148 confirmed cases worldwide.

So we break out the old calculator and find that exactly .00000000218611521480 of the world's population has been affected (.00000002973856209150 of the U.S. population has been infected). Take off that mask and take a deep breath. There...much better.

Some more perspective, based on the WHO's top 10 causes of death worldwide:

You are more than 10,000 times more likely to die in a car crash than to contract swine flu.

You are more than 16,000 times more likely to die from HIV/AIDS than to contract swine flu.

You are about 17,000 times more likely to die from diarrhoeal diseases than to contract swine flu.

"But," you might say, "the number of reported cases are increasing daily." True enough, but the rate of expansion would have to be exponentially greater than we've probably ever seen in any other pandemic or near-pandemic. And that's just not true; in fact, the rate of transmission is much lower than that of SARS, and how many people do you know that caught that? Plus, if you listen closely and quit freaking out, you'll hear that the confirmed cases of death are a) mostly in Mexico and b) almost everyone who has died had underlying health problems that compromised their immune system. The rest of the people experienced a sickness very similar to the flu and recovered quickly. Why do we seem so eager to panic in this country? I just don't get it.

The old saying in the news world is "if it bleeds, it leads." That used to be true, but the modern mainstream media model is more akin to "if we can convince the public that it bleeds, regardless of the facts, it leads." So settle down, turn off CNN, turn off FOX News and relax. They're just scaring the shit out of you to sell some soap.

And In Tonight's "Who Gives a Fuck" Segment...

I never thought I'd say these words, but I agree with Newt Gingrich.

Gingrich on the topic of the Obama's new dog:

"It's great that they have a dog. It's great that the kids are adjusting. And where they got it from -- who cares? It's a nice gesture on Senator Kennedy's part to give it to them but who cares?"

Adds Gingrich "...I think that this whole thing is fairly stupid."

Exactly. Minus the adverb, that is; it's just plain stupid!

The Obama's dog, Michelle Obama's fashions, the Queen's iPod, Billy Bob Thorton's radio tirade, Octomoms and the like - none of these subjects are of any real significance and have no place in the news. These insignificant pop culture subjects should be left to the likes of "Inside Edition" and "Entertainment Tonight" whose viewers actually want to hear such stories. Either that our quit referring to it as "news."

The worst offender of all (honorable mention goes to "Fox and Friends") is the gimmicky "news lite" cable news channel CNN, what with all its Tweets and Rick Sanchezs and 3D holograms. I hate to say it, CNN, but even FOX News covers meatier subjects than you (though they make up for it by having zero journalistic integrity and using raving lunatics for hosts).

What The Dickel?

Am I the only one who has trouble finding a bar that serves George Dickel? I get the shittiest looks from bartenders when I ask for a glass of black label Dickel. And I live in Tennessee, for crying out loud! Oh sure they can make a mojito or an appletini, but you'd think I was trying to order crack judging by the pusses on these bartenders faces! There are only two brands of Tennessee whiskey on the market (Jack Daniels being the other - no thanks), so you'd think bars in Tennessee could at least serve both.

Over, Under, Sideways, Down

I've always thought Glenn Beck is unstable (and I can say this with a reasonable sense of security, since Beck as of yet has not resorted to stalking bloggers who criticism him). Not just a little quirky or eccentric, but seriously psychologically and emotionally unhinged. One of these days he'll have one of his on-air crying fits and end up doing something drastic involving a handgun and possibly hostages. Check out his show some time if you don't believe me. Or read some of his, uh, "poetry." Truly the ravings of a lunatic. Let's just hope that Mr. Murdoch's benefit plan pays for extended psychiatric commitments.

But you know what's really scary to me? Not that a person like Glenn Beck does exist in this world, but that the guy gets 2.4 million viewers a day. Some of which, like me, hopefully just watch the freak show to see the bearded lady come out and do her thing, but you know a good number of those 2.4 million actually think the guy makes sense.


"Wrong With Us"

Put these people in jail, put these people in jail,
Put them in jail, what is wrong with us;
We knew this guy was in the country,
He was -- he has been in the country
And extradited before; we have thrown him
Out of the country, then we brought him back, and
Then we threw him out and he came back again;
What the hell is wrong with us, what is wrong with us.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 11, 2009)

I Had a Dream

Hi there, remember me? Been a while, hasn't it? Haven't had much to say lately, but I did have an interesting dream the other night. Miranda, George W. Bush and I were all waiting in line at a fast-food restaurant. Bush was holding two banjos and we struck up a brief conversation. He said that he was learning to play and offered me one of the banjos to play, but I declined. The whole while Miranda was giving W. the stink eye, and I felt like I should curse at him or punch him out or something, but like Steve Martin says, it's hard to be mad at someone holding a banjo. Maybe it was some subconscious thing relating to Martin's theory of how a banjo could have saved the Nixon presidency. For the record, I still can't stand the S.O.B. and think that if there is a hell, there's a special place waiting for him and his kind. Banjo or not.

Dig It!

Check out these two terrific CDs from my old pal Richard Stooksbury. We were pretty tight "back in the day" and spent an awful lot of time doing things we shouldn't have been doing (no apologies here - it was all fun), but we lost track of one another sometime in the early '90s until the enigmatic Mr. Stooksbury reappeared recently via the modern wonder of social networking sites. Richard's located in Nashville now and is currently working on recording his third album.

He's come a long way, both musically and otherwise, since those days, and it shows in his work. If you like a mix of laid back country (REAL country, that is), folk, rock (he even covers a tune by notorious Knoxville punk rockers Teenage Love) and bluegrass, then this is for you. Great music for sippin' whiskey on the front porch at night and watching the stars.


Also available as MP3 downloads at Amazon and the iTunes store.

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But Words Will Never Derail My Efforts To Put a Positive Spin on My Legacy

Pew Research Center recently polled almost 1,500 adults and asked them which one word best describes George W. Bush. The results were not a bit surprising:



I'd got a few suggestions of my own:

shit-for-brains
dumbass
retard
fuckface
murderer
criminal
puppet
loser
failure

Just for starters.